I was raped

I was raped when I was almost 19 years old. That was 23 years ago and I still cry about it sometimes, like last night. This is not the stuff I usually talk about but hey, it is my blog and I can talk about what I want.

So I was raped by my parents best friends son. The term date rape or acquaintance rape had not been coined or if it had, it wasn't widely talked about. Rapes were committed by strangers, not by people you knew. I was deeply ashamed. I didn't tell anyone except my boyfriend. His reaction was anger, not at the guy, at me. See I had been with him almost a year and had not slept with him and here I went and "slept with" someone else. He was so angry he essentially raped me again. Then he went and put himself in the sink and washed himself off. I felt even more unclean and ashamed. ** I thought no one else would want me and this is what I deserved. The next time I saw him he did it again, also followed by just leaving me on the dorm room floor sobbing and cleaning himself in the sink. ** Luckily I had just enough self respect left that time to break up with him. It was a bad period in my life. I was already self medicating with alcohol, this just kicked it up a few notches.

That summer I went to a travel agent junket. I went with my parents and my Dad and I got very very drunk on scotch. When we got home I refused to get out of the car. I told them I wanted to die. It was pretty horrible. They were worried about me and made me see a psychologist. I told her about the rape and my boyfriends reaction and even though I was over 18, she told my parents that I was no longer a virgin. Needless to say that didn't go over well. She ended up telling my parents that my only problem was I was spoiled. Great. She is now a nationally famous psychologist featured on morning shows and stuff. What an idiot.

Anyway, I met a really great guy who is still one of my very best friends. He and his family helped me a lot. I don't think I would have gotten past all that without him. I have since gotten good therapy and a great husband and family and I am doing well. Every time I read the paper or watch the news and hear of a rape, I still think back and remember. Sometimes I tear up, but for the most part I do ok. Law & Order SVU usually makes me cry but it is therapeutic. I watch it looking for answers and it really does help. It is cathartic :).

Every once in a while though something triggers a panic attack/breakdown. I read a blog post by a former good friend of ours yesterday and something he said about rape really creeped me out. I tried to get it out of my head but after I had gotten the kids to bed and I was lying there thinking about it I lost it. It was pretty bad.

I am ok today for the most part. I haven't been actively crying and sobbing, but tears just kept streaming down my face and I can't seem to stop them. I thought last night that I was feeling sorry for myself. Today I think it is more like feeling sorry for anyone who is raped.

I have never told anyone this but this is one of the reasons I was afraid to have a daughter. I am so afraid FOR her. I never want something like this to happen to her.

So I'll be ok, there is really no choice. I have to take care of the kids until Brian gets back. They'll keep me busy :). Writing this seems to have helped.

**updated to include the second time by my bf. I didn't know how to put it into words when I first posted this.

Tweets of the Week: 01/18/2009

Sunday

  • For 6 years Jack has had gorgeous birthday party days in Jan. Today is the first time it's snowing. Most is down, hope everyone still comes. 11:08am
  • I should have said for the past 5 years, since this is the 6th :). 11:08am
  • @pat212414 Thunder Ridge 11:09am
  • Just had very funny conversation with @frankensite. He said it isn't Twitter appropriate. Too bad. It was REALLY funny. 12:44am
  • It was about sleeping with Bono. Hehehe. 12:45am
  • Left early for Jack's party so we could drop of doggie balloons for them to blow up before party. Then we were going to lunch. 12:49am
  • May not have time for lunch. Good thing for Goldfish. Even I ate some. Also good thing we won't be late for our own party this time. 12:50am
  • Dropped off stuff. Now at BK. Yuck. All we had time for though. Gotta be back in 20 min. 1:16pm
  • Party over. It was fun. So glad it was not at my house. Kids had a blast. 5:26pm
  • @sarahgilbert send me link to chemicals in baby bath, thx 6:54pm
  • stopped at Starbucks on way home. day complete! 6:55pm
  • @Jim61 the guy at the ski shop told us Windham was a good place for families. Do you think so? 8:20pm

Monday

  • Just got back from taking the kids skiing. Only jack ended up going & that was fine w/me. He did well. Tor went to their daycare. I had liv 3:19pm
  • Plan was jack in half day, Tor in private since he is three. After lines with jack, wrestling w/boots & skis figured Tor was fine playing. 3:24pm
  • This weekend when Daddy goes they can all ski and Liv and I will watch. 3:24pm
  • @Jim61 thx 7:04pm

Tuesday

  • Just canceled citi bank card. Last year got locked out of account online made me create new account. Locked me out again, need new account 1:08am
  • Citibank won't reset passwords. Not creating another account because I am not doing anything wrong. So canceled card. Oh well. Their loss. 1:10am
  • Had that account for 24 years. Wow. First credit card I ever had. Oh well. 1:14am
  • @Deidre I accidentally cut myself all the time too. freaks out @frankensite :). good thing I am a nurse. Hope you are ok :). 1:19am
  • Added summary of Jack's birthday to my blog and uploaded a bunch of photos to Flickr. Good use of the time I should be sleeping :). 3:49am
  • @obsessable in HD on NBC 11:19am
  • @mheerema because they are both black??? 11:21am
  • @mheerema ok. for a few minutes I was horrified esp since I mostly agree with your politics :). hehe. thanks for explaining. 11:31am
  • WOW, truly amazing. I am in tears. 12:07am
  • TiVoing the inauguration so my boys can see it when they come home. Jack wants to watch it, Tor just loves saying his cool name! 12:22am
  • THE speech http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id... 12:25am
  • @mikepropst I thought the facebook/cnn thing was pretty cool. I got to see what my friends were saying as they were saying it :). 1:58pm
  • Off to the post office to mail something to Delphine for her birthday in a week & to Jo & Joe for their anniversary last October :). Whoops. 4:04pm
  • Jo & Joe's anniversary is the same day as my Mom's birthday. Kind of weird. Happy and sad now. 4:04pm
  • Wow, President Obama and his wife are walking on Penn. Ave. 4:06pm
  • Kitchen faucet is leaking. Called Rohl in SFO & explained situation. They are sending the part overnight all at no cost. Wow. Excellent. 8:20pm
  • Years of being a travel agent have me referring to San Francisco as SFO instead of just SF. Ha. Brian just pointed this out to me :). 8:22pm

Thursday

  • Jack threw up this am. Poor kid. I hope he feels better because tomorrow is his birthday and he gets to do lots of fun stuff at school. 8:10am
  • @veroniquec just bookmarked that site, thanks. 5:56pm
  • @pat212414 nice pic 8:11pm

Friday

  • @sarahgilbert someone in Jack's class has lice. I hope Jack doesn't get them. I just don't have time for it :). 2:36am
  • @Dorie93950 I think he may have just had a rx to dinner. he ate more tomato sauce than he ever has before. but could be mono related. thx. 3:09am
  • @stephfour awwwwww 3:24am
  • @Dorie93950 brian changed jack's twitter name to JackCaleb :) 11:28am
  • OH at jack's party at school. She picked H cause she likes him. NO I DON'T. Teacher - everyone likes everybody. "But she REALLY likes him!" 3:14pm
  • Sound more like 6th grade. Hehe 3:14pm
  • @cksthree your parrots are like my kids when I try to use the phone! 3:17pm
  • @researching it was nice today! The kids played in the snow! 6:28pm
  • @cksthree They do throw things and my God do they shriek :). hehehe 6:30pm
  • Jack got lots of call for this birthday, he's been so excited :). 6:44pm
  • At city limits. New menu item -- keftethes. Taste just like my moms. That and it being jack's bday and I started crying. Oh well. 8:02pm

Saturday

  • Thanks for all the birthday wishes for @jackcaleb he was thrilled. He thinks Twitter & FB are so cool. He is not getting a FB account though 11:43am
  • @pat212414 thanks. It does happen at odd times. I feel better when you write me like this and tell me it is ok. Thanks. 11:47am
  • Going skiing. Well jack is for sure. Ski shop gave us wrong boots for brian so sorting that out now. Hopefully they found his! 11:51am
  • Brian skied down the mountain 4 times alone then 2 more times with Jack. All 3 kids passed out in car. 6:12pm

Jack is 6 today!

This am before schoolI can't believe Jack is already 6. Amazing. It seems like just yesterday (yesterday 6 years ago) that I was reading a book and my water broke :). We headed to the hospital and after only 13 hours of labor (pretty good for a first baby) Jack was born. Just a few hours later I had a Jack & Coke. Here we are with Jack the day after he was born and here are pics of him on his birthday (or at his birthday parties) over the years. That post only goes up to his 4th birthday. Here is info and pics on his 5th birthday party and his recent 6th birthday party.

Today he is having a party at his school at 2:30 that Brian, Keisha, Liv and I get to attend. Then we are going to his preschool (now Tor's preschool) to see some of his other friends and pass out the cupcakes Keisha bought for them. It is going to be 45 degrees (warm for us) so they'll play on the playground for a while and then tonight we are taking him to his favorite restaurant, City Limits. He wants to get a sundae for dessert :).

What a cool day!

Life Streaming

Our friend Craig posted a story on his blog mentioning our mutual friend Judith and her four blogs.  That got me thinking about all the stuff I do. Brian says I am life streaming. I blog on bloggingniki, I upload pics from my iPhone onto Flickr as I take them, I upload video onto YouTube, I tweet on Twitter and I also use Facebook. It is pretty cool. I have fun with it all.

Liv & Mama at Jack's parties

Here we are at Jack's Party this year

And here we are on our way to his party last year

Jack's 6th birthday party

We had Jack's 6th birthday party at the same place we had his 5th birthday party -- Stepping Stones Children's Museum. It was great. There were about 24 kids not including siblings. Wow. It was huge :).

We have been incredibly lucky with scheduling Jack's birthday parties on beautiful January days (meaning not actively snowing during the party). Saturday night, however, it snowed a lot -- maybe about 3.5 inches. When we woke up it was still snowing a little but then it stopped for the rest of the day and the sun came out. Woo Hoo. Everyone was able to make it to Connecticut without a problem.

We had to drop off the party supplies I bought at least half an hour before the party so they had time to set them up and blow up the balloons. Our original plan was to drop them off, go have a nice lunch somewhere and then go to the party. With three kids, plans change a lot. By the time we got up, had breakfast, showered, got them dressed, cleaned off the car and set off, we had just enough time to drop the supplies off, grab BK down the street and come back. The kids and Brian were happy with Burger King, so it was all ok :).

We got back to the party with 20 minutes to spare. That is pretty good for us because we have actually been late to quite a few of OUR OWN birthday parties. While Brian let the boys play, I helped set up for the party. I think the room turned out really well. Last year I was initially disappointed we had the back room for our party instead of the room right in the thick of things. That room doesn't have windows though and this room has a wall of windows. The windows really brightened up the party so I requested the same room this year.

The kids started off coloring a jigsaw puzzle. Once everyone arrived, Jack lead them from room to room in the museum. He really liked being the leader, he got to ring a bell to signal moving to the next room. Tor was second in line and he just loved being so close to Jack. At one point Henry, one of their best friends, wanted to be next to Jack, but so did Tor. So Jack let Tor be the leader, he went second and Henry went third. They both got to be next to Jack. I thought that was very generous of Jack to let his brother lead one time.

The last room was of course the water room. Right before they went in and got soaked, we took a few group pics. Jack and Tor were wearing white dog t-shirts and I rolled up their sleeves. They looked like greasers, all they needed was a pack of cigs rolled in their sleeves to complete the look :).

Once everyone was back in the party room they had pizza, sang happy birthday and ate cake and fruit but not many veggies :). We had one piece of cake left over, a couple slices of pineapple and almost the entire veggie platter. No problem, I brought the veggies home and I threw some in a salad and steamed some of the others. Yum.

Everyone said they had a good time and I know we did. One of the party favors we gave out were dog bone crayons in a dog bone case. They were the hit of the party!

The party officially ended at 4pm, but we stayed until 5 when they closed. Liv did really well at the party. When we put her in her car seat for the ride home she started wailing. We decided to eat at The Brewhouse nearby so I could feed her but she fell asleep on the way there so we just turned around and headed home (with a quick pit stop at Starbucks). By the time we got home I had just enough time to make dinner, feed the kids and get them to bed so they could go skiing early this am.

Jack had a great birthday party!

Jack's 6th birthday cake

Check out his other cakes.

Family photo after Jack's party

No cha cha cha's

Jack did not want anyone to sing "cha cha cha" during his birthday song. He also did not want them to sing the monkey version. As you can tell, no one listened to him.

Let them eat cake

Happy Birthday Dear Jack HD

This is Jack blowing out his birthday candles last year at his 5th birthday party (at the same table in the same room).

Happy Birthday Dear Jack

Tweets of the Week: 01/11/2009

Sunday

  • Poor Kara is sick. been sitting on couch with her, Liv and other 3 dogs for past three hours. Jack came down a bit ago. It's a party. 5:22am
  • i mean 2 other dogs. that's what happens when you type one handed in dark with sleeping baby and sick dog on top of ya/ 5:25am
  • @MMA_Ratings yeah that sucks. sorry. hope it feels better. 8:47am
  • @vagredajr did you run into @frankensite? He was at atl airport same time as you :) 8:49am
  • Here we go. Go Giants! 1:06pm
  • Wow what a run. Go Bradshaw! 1:07pm
  • liv happy to see daddy but fussy. poor baby 1:26pm

Monday

  • @researching nice twitter explanation 7:41pm
  • @BETH4264 Sorry about your friends mom. 8:01pm
  • The first 4 hours of 24 were AWESOME. But as Brian reminded me, the first 4 hours of last season with the nuclear bomb were awesome too. 11:47pm
  • @rjbudke I can't believe Mickey Rourke got a Golden Globe. I mean I didn't see The Wrestler but Mickey Rourke, really?!?!? 11:49pm
  • @BETH4264 Thanks for the comment on my blog when my mom died. I replied back to you a few months back. Your newest commetn has a diff addy. 11:50pm
  • @BETH4264 a different address. I'll forward what I wrote you to the newest address. thanks. 11:51pm

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

  • @ChristophKhouri Congrats! Can't wait to see pics. 11:03am
  • @elleinthecity Ours in Harrison were not delayed, but I was hoping they would be. 11:05am
  • @Dorie93950 impossible to do that here :). 11:06am
  • @vagredajr unfortunately that ABC affiliate is probably right despite Jobs' denials. 11:08am
  • Today Jack was telling me something he did last year in K but this is his first year of K. He meant #lastyear. took me a min to get it. (CK) 11:12am
  • @cafemama how come about the peanut butter? 1:22pm
  • @veroniquec, @researching that video of BFF Bella and Tara made me cry. So sweet. 1:28pm
  • Np one else braved this weather so jack & tor have like private ice skating lessons 4:32pm
  • Barkley loves tennis balls. She is obsessed with them. Her absolute favorite thing is to play with them in the snow. She barks in delight 9:41pm
  • My neighbors HATE her. 9:41pm

Friday

  • My friend said on FB that her favorite Mexican restaurant caught fire this am. Her fave is my fave We were going to dinner there tonight. 11:16am
  • Tried all her numbers, IM and FB. Can't get her and can't find on google. Sad. 11:17am
  • Posts I did about Guadalajara http://tinyurl.com/7bp6da 11:52am
  • @frankensite you got me. I clicked @kickingwomb hehehe. You funny man! 11:54am
  • Brian's old Blog Platform powers 14 of the top 100 blogs. 11 of them in the top 50. He built that over 5 yrs ago, imagine what he can do now 1:20pm
  • Pretty cool @frankensite http://poprl.com/DBf. You rock! 1:21pm
  • My first concert was Liberace went with my mom, don't really count it. My next concert was Cheap Trick, just me and my brother. #confessions 2:17pm
  • @bloggingniki Just checked your stats on TwitterCounter: http://tinyurl.com/9rxm68 2:57pm
  • Fire at restaurant due to faulty wiring because of recent renovations http://tinyurl.com/8n8zb4 4:08pm
  • @kaidome The Merritt loves ya baby 4:09pm
  • @starbucks, What is a Starbucks black card? 4:11pm
  • Garage door cable just snapped. Unable to close garage. Dipping below freezing tonight and holiday weekend. So far no luck on repairman. 5:25pm
  • 1st repair place advertising 24 hour service called back in 10 min said can come tue. 2nd place called back in 30 min said call back in am 6:22pm
  • 3rd place said they would be here within the hour. Woo hoo. Had to stay home while brian and boys went to dinner with Steph. Oh well. 6:24pm
  • Wow bucs fired Gruden. 6:28pm
  • F#*% now my laptop is dead. Came over and mouse would not move so killed it and now it really is dead. Won't turn on at all. Lovely. 6:33pm
  • Repairman is here. Things are getting better. 6:36pm
  • Repairman super super nice. He said garage door will be fixed in about half an hour. Poor man, it is freezing out there. 6:44pm
  • @sarahgilbert green beans and potatoes or orzo good with Greek style lamb. 6:47pm
  • @sarahgilbert yes roasted with a little olive oil and a squeeze of lemon. 7:04pm
  • Just got off the phone with my Dad in Florida. He told me it is freezing down there. Checked the weather. It is 54 degrees there right now. 7:07pm
  • @researching you would really enjoy eating here. Almost everything I make has that combo in it somehow. 7:09pm
  • Garage door repaired. Super quiet now. Must have been going for a while. Guy was so nice! 7:21pm
  • @chrisu maybe brian will give me his old MacBook Air. 7:22pm

Saturday

  • I was drinking tea this am and Brian said one of the funniest things he has ever said and I actually did a spit take. Tea was all over. 9:48am
  • I have never ever done a spit take :). Brian is so happy he was my first. http://tinyurl.com/86vagy 9:49am
  • My friend @cksthree found video of the plane landing in the Hudson and put it on his blog. http://tinyurl.com/1549airb... 10:29am
  • I love my dogs! 12:24am
  • Pet peeve: gum chewing. @frankensite is chewing gum right now & it is driving me insane. I am biting my tongue. He'll never know :). 5:52pm
  • I am looking at @frankensite right now like the cat that swallowed the canary. Hehe. He keeps asking me "what?" shhh don't tell him. 5:55pm
  • @stephfour nah :) 8:04pm
  • Rented skis for the season for Brian & Jack today. They were out of Tor's size. May get some later this week. Kids did really well today. 8:15pm
  • My kids have big heads. Jack's helmet is an adult medium & Tor's is an adult small. They are 6 & 3. Kids going skiing on Monday. 8:17pm

My HD Flip

Brian came home on Sunday with a Flip video camera. It isn't his, it is his company's but I sort of borrowed it for a little while and went crazy with it :). I loved it so much, I ordered myself an HD Flip. I even customized the case. It is pretty cool.

Here is my first HD video :).

Actual proof that I call Liv like a dog :)

Sometimes when I am trying to get the kids attention I call them like they are dogs -- by accident. Here I am doing it again...