I was raped when I was almost 19 years old. That was 23 years ago and I still cry about it sometimes, like last night. This is not the stuff I usually talk about but hey, it is my blog and I can talk about what I want.
So I was raped by my parents best friends son. The term date rape or acquaintance rape had not been coined or if it had, it wasn't widely talked about. Rapes were committed by strangers, not by people you knew. I was deeply ashamed. I didn't tell anyone except my boyfriend. His reaction was anger, not at the guy, at me. See I had been with him almost a year and had not slept with him and here I went and "slept with" someone else. He was so angry he essentially raped me again. Then he went and put himself in the sink and washed himself off. I felt even more unclean and ashamed. ** I thought no one else would want me and this is what I deserved. The next time I saw him he did it again, also followed by just leaving me on the dorm room floor sobbing and cleaning himself in the sink. ** Luckily I had just enough self respect left that time to break up with him. It was a bad period in my life. I was already self medicating with alcohol, this just kicked it up a few notches.
That summer I went to a travel agent junket. I went with my parents and my Dad and I got very very drunk on scotch. When we got home I refused to get out of the car. I told them I wanted to die. It was pretty horrible. They were worried about me and made me see a psychologist. I told her about the rape and my boyfriends reaction and even though I was over 18, she told my parents that I was no longer a virgin. Needless to say that didn't go over well. She ended up telling my parents that my only problem was I was spoiled. Great. She is now a nationally famous psychologist featured on morning shows and stuff. What an idiot.
Anyway, I met a really great guy who is still one of my very best friends. He and his family helped me a lot. I don't think I would have gotten past all that without him. I have since gotten good therapy and a great husband and family and I am doing well. Every time I read the paper or watch the news and hear of a rape, I still think back and remember. Sometimes I tear up, but for the most part I do ok. Law & Order SVU usually makes me cry but it is therapeutic. I watch it looking for answers and it really does help. It is cathartic :).
Every once in a while though something triggers a panic attack/breakdown. I read a blog post by a former good friend of ours yesterday and something he said about rape really creeped me out. I tried to get it out of my head but after I had gotten the kids to bed and I was lying there thinking about it I lost it. It was pretty bad.
I am ok today for the most part. I haven't been actively crying and sobbing, but tears just kept streaming down my face and I can't seem to stop them. I thought last night that I was feeling sorry for myself. Today I think it is more like feeling sorry for anyone who is raped.
I have never told anyone this but this is one of the reasons I was afraid to have a daughter. I am so afraid FOR her. I never want something like this to happen to her.
So I'll be ok, there is really no choice. I have to take care of the kids until Brian gets back. They'll keep me busy :). Writing this seems to have helped.
**updated to include the second time by my bf. I didn't know how to put it into words when I first posted this.
I can't believe Jack is already 6. Amazing. It seems like just yesterday (
We had 
