I was having a difficult afternoon today. I've been without Brian for a week, I took Carol to the airport and saw her off, I spent 45 minutes talking with Andrea today (about all my issues and I have a lot) and while Jack was getting ready to have lunch, I read a few articles about adoption in this months Hip Mama.

Just reading the articles about birthmoms giving up their children made me teary but then "Brick" by Ben Folds Five came on the radio.

It's an autobiographical song Ben wrote about how his girlfriend had an abortion when they were very young. To me it represents the loss of a child and it always reminds me of the ten babies I lost. I started crying.

Jack stopped what he was doing, came over, crawled in my lap and asked me what was wrong. I told him through my tears that this song made me very sad but that I was OK. Like the brilliant child he is, he said, "Maybe you should turn the song off Mama." That made me smile and I said that although the song made me sad, I liked it. He looked me right in the eyes for a few moments and then said, "I am going to turn it off for you," and he got off me and turned off the radio. He crawled right back in my lap and started doing funny things with my shirt and his shirt to make me laugh. He is the best kid ever. I am so blessed to have him and to have Tor.

When I had all those miscarriages, people said things to try and cheer me up. One of my least favorites was, "It just wasn't mean to be." I thought that was so callous then and while I still do, I do believe that Jack and Tor were the children I was meant to have. I am so blessed to have them. They are my everything. I can't even put into words how much I love these two boys. I miss the babies I lost and I will never forget them, but I am so grateful for the two I kept to term, the two I hold in my arms every day, the two that are my world.

"Brick" by Ben Folds Five"

6 am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold, car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping and I am numb

Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They're not home to find us out
And we drive

Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

Chorus
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got

Can't you see it's not me you're dying for
Now she's feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

Chorus

As weeks went by it showed that she was not fine
They told me son it's time to tell the truth
And she broke down and I broke down
'Cause I was tired of lying

Driving back to her apartment
For the moment were alone
She's alone and I'm alone
Now I know it

Chorus