When I was a senior in high school I took a speed reading class. I already read very fast and I always got perfect scores on reading comprehension tests, so I probably thought it was just an easy A. I learned a lot in the class and got exposed to a lot of different books, books that I would never have read myself such as "Atlas Shrugged," "The Peter Principle," "Watership Down" and "On Death and Dying."

In the book "On Death and Dying," by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross she describes the five stages of the grieving process: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They are listed as she described them but people grieving don't necessarily follow that order, they can also skip back and forth between stages.

This afternoon I was in the anger stage. I am also 9 months pregnant now, so all those hormones were thrown in the mix too. I had a problem with some buggy software losing some simple changes I made and I lost it. I screamed at Brian and stormed off to the bathroom and cried a lot. Then when I came out Jack was playing with my laptop so I yelled at him to leave my computer alone and then I moved my laptop to the end table and slammed it shut. I picked up my glass of water and wanted to throw it at something but I really didn't want to really break the glass and scare Jack, so I ended up slamming it on my granite countertop and shattering it. Great the opposite of what I wanted :(.

Then I went outside and cried some more and then came back in and yelled at Brian about the dogs while he was picking up the glass. Jack told me to stop arguing with Daddy and I told him I wasn't mad at him or at Daddy I was mad that my Mother died and I left. I was actually able to put it into words, only because of Jack. If Brian had asked me I would have probably said it was his fault somehow even though it wasn't really.

I took the car but I didn't know where to go. I didn't have my cell phone and I didn't want to go back in the house to get it so I didn't want to go too far being so pregnant. I ended up going to the local bodega and I got some Mexican Coke and a pint of Edy's Rocky Road ice cream. I also got the kids Oreo ice cream. Then I simply came home.

Brian is really nervous about the baby coming so he has been eating ALL day. When I came home he was finishing off the guacamole I bought yesterday. I polished off my whole pint of ice cream and Jack and Tor almost finished their pint too. I am not testing my blood sugar tonight :).

I am out of the anger stage again, back to depression (hence the whole pint of ice cream). <sigh>

It is tough and it feels weird, or contradictory or even hypocritical to be grieving like this and it probably isn't the same grief as everyone else has losing their mom because Mom stopped calling me about the time I found out I was pregnant with Liv. But it still hurts a lot -- she was my mom for better or worse. She raised me, but now there is no resolution to this. It is all over. Very very sad.

When my cousin Cathy lost her mother last year, she told me that when I lost my mother it would be harder for me because we weren't as close as my Dad and I were, just like it was for her. I didn't believe her. She was totally right. I think this is harder. Obviously losing any parent is hard, but losing one with unresolved issues is a different kind of difficult.

It is ironic that I am posting updates about her death and the funeral arrangements and about how I am grieving here on my blog because she told me many times that she refused to read my blog. It is also ironic because I created the blog so she and my other family members that live far away could get easy updates on our family.