A year ago today I found out my mother died. She died two weeks before Liv was born. As a result this has been one of the worst years of my life yet also one of the best years of my life. It is complicated, which is a fitting word because it is the perfect word to describe my relationship with my mother.
com⋅pli⋅cat⋅ed
[kom-pli-key-tid] –adjective
composed of elaborately interconnected parts; complex: complicated apparatus for measuring brain functions.
difficult to analyze, understand, explain, etc.: a complicated problem.
Absolutely perfect word.
I am very glad this year is over. I am tired of the Firsts. First Mother's Day without my mother; First Mother's Day with my daugther. First Christmas without my mother; First Christmas with my daughter. It was a bittersweet year.
The feelings that I can only describe as akin to jealousy have also subsided. For a long time when someone mentioned their mother I actually felt pain deep inside me. It hurt to hear about other people's mothers when I no longer had a mother. It was unlike anything I have ever felt before. I did NOT like the feeling at all. But I no longer react that way, so that is an improvement.
I am going down to Clearwater with Liv for my mother's year memorial on Sunday. My Dad and brother will be there along with a lot of her relatives. I am not really looking forward to it, in fact I am sort of dreading it. I didn't get to go to my mother's funeral because I was so pregnant. It is just all so complicated.
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