I am tired because I have not been sleeping well this week because of the anniversary of my mother's death and her upcoming memorial. I only slept about 3 hours last night and have been crying most of the morning. I am just so tired. I am not just tired from lack of sleep I am tired because I am filled with so many emotions and I am so confused. My brain hurts.

My mom and I had a very complicated relationship. It is difficult to describe or explain and no one really gets it even after I explain EVERYTHING. No matter what happened she was still my mother. She stayed at home and raised me. She was a huge part of my life and now she is gone. It is difficult for me to comprehend that is is over, yet it will never be over. It is so fucking complicated. So I am sad but I am also so angry. Fucking Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. When am I going to get to the acceptance stage? Seriously. Whenever I am there and I think it is all ok something sucks me back into one of the other stages. Well not the bargaining, never had a problem with that stage :).

Ugg. What a mess.

A year ago today I found out my mother died. She died two weeks before Liv was born. As a result this has been one of the worst years of my life yet also one of the best years of my life. It is complicated, which is a fitting word because it is the perfect word to describe my relationship with my mother.

com⋅pli⋅cat⋅ed

[kom-pli-key-tid] –adjective

1. composed of elaborately interconnected parts; complex: complicated apparatus for measuring brain functions.

2. difficult to analyze, understand, explain, etc.: a complicated problem.

Absolutely perfect word.

I am very glad this year is over. I am tired of the Firsts. First Mother's Day without my mother; First Mother's Day with my daugther. First Christmas without my mother; First Christmas with my daughter. It was a bittersweet year.

The feelings that I can only describe as akin to jealousy have also subsided. For a long time when someone mentioned their mother I actually felt pain deep inside me. It hurt to hear about other people's mothers when I no longer had a mother. It was unlike anything I have ever felt before. I did NOT like the feeling at all. But I no longer react that way, so that is an improvement.

I am going down to Clearwater with Liv for my mother's year memorial on Sunday. My Dad and brother will be there along with a lot of her relatives. I am not really looking forward to it, in fact I am sort of dreading it. I didn't get to go to my mother's funeral because I was so pregnant. It is just all so complicated.

1. English was not my first language, Greek was. My parents sent me to Kindergarten not knowing a word of English.
2. My best friend Nanette introduced me via email to her nephew Brian who she thought was perfect for me. I corresponded with Brian via e-mail and an occasional phone call for 4 months before we met. Nanatte was right!
3. I have a BA in Mass Comm and a BS in Nursing.
4. I was an overnight DJ at a Catholic radio station in college --  WBVM, The Voice of Mary. My boss called me while I was on air several times to tell me to stop talking so sexy.
5. I only wanted to have boys. I didn't think I wanted girls. I was so happy to have 2 boys. Now I can't imagine life without Liv.
6. I am extremely good at drawing blood and starting IV's. Like scary good. Even on newborns (I am a peds nurse).
7. I am a great cook but a horrible baker. Cooking is all about "feel", baking involves strict adherence to recipes and measurements.
8. I am addicted to advice columns.
9. My grandmother was my best friend when I was a kid (she died when I was 13).
10. I have had multiple miscarriages. I lost 6 babies before I had Jack. 4 babies before I had Tor and no babies before I had Liv. I knew I wanted a lot of kids, so we just kept trying.
11. I love to read and have carried a book around with me everywhere I go since I was in elementary school. Now I need reading glasses but I rarely use them. It isn't a vanity thing though, I just read too much and never have them with me when I need them.
12. I love the sound of waves crashing on the beach. I just like being around water. It has a calming effect on me. Clearwater Beach is my favorite. Jack and Tor like it too.
13. My Springer Spaniel Duncan was my favorite dog ever. I had her before Brian and the kids. I love my dogs now, but they are just dogs
14. Brian is my soul mate we even have the same birthday.
15. I am still best friends with the boyfriend I had when I was 19 and remain close with his family. Brian likes them all too and vice versa.
16. Driving from CT to NYC on spring break with my parents I saw an exit sign for White Plains. I never forgot that sign and Brian ended up renting an apartment for us unbeknownst to me before we got married.
17. I was on Romper Room with Miss June for a week when I was a kid.
18. I was conceived in NY so I consider myself a native New Yorker :).
19. I never thought I would have blond haired/blue or green eyed babies.
20. When I was in college I got pulled over many many times for speeding in my red camero. I only got one ticket and that was from a woman cop. As soon as I saw her in my rearview mirror I knew I couldn't flirt my way out of it -- but that didn't stop me from trying :).
21. My pet rock was a rock my parents took from the Acropolis in Greece. They were not going to spend good money on a rock. I still have my pet rock.
22. Cheap Trick was my very first rock concert and they were also Jack's.
23. I had only seen snow once before I met Brian. (Florida snow does not count).
24. I have been to 1 Super Bowl, 3 Sugar Bowls, 3 Orange Bowls, 2 Gator Bowls, 2 Outback Bowls, 1 Fiesta bowl and 1 Citrus Bowl.
25. My family and/or I have had season tickets to the Tampa Bay Rowdies (soccer), Florida State Football, New York Liberty (women's basketball) and the New York Yankees.

Sunday

• At Niko's. We were in the mood for Greek food. 2:16pm
• 2 kids sleeping. 1 kid wide awake. 10:30pm
• 2 kids awake. 1 kid asleep. We are going the wrong way. 10:41pm
• Looking at TWC app. Next Sunday will be the next time we are above freezing (32). One week! Time to visit Florida again. 11:08pm

Monday

• Baby still awake. Me & Daddy not v happy. I gave up & woke up Daddy. His turn to try & get her to sleep. My turn again soon I can tell :( 12:38am
• @Dorie93950 she usually is the easiest to get to sleep since she is nursing. Finally all kids asleep & realized 1 of the boys wet the bed. 1:25am
• Today was errand day. Soooo many errands. On way home now. 6:16pm
• @elleinthecity send your friends this http://tinyurl.com/384n2f 10:14pm
• listening to @frankensite talk to airline on phone. he does not have much patience for call center in another country. 10:17pm
• watching 24 on TiVo 11:01pm
• @Dorie93950 well it read well in twitter :). 11:23pm
• Very Cool. @frankensite hooked up @NFL with @twitter and the result is @superbowl. Good job Brian! 11:36pm
• @Dorie93950 yes no one did yesterday. that is true. 11:41pm
• @Dorie93950 quack quack quack 11:41pm

Tuesday

• @frankensite I think you just ass twittered! 1:10pm
• reading a very sad book http://tinyurl.com/ccrl6a. Good but sad. 1:53pm
• @veroniquec totally read the word Flickrers wrong :). 1:56pm
• Just cleaned the filter on my Dyson Animal. First time since we have had it. We have had it at least a year. I had no idea it was blue! 6:35pm
• 11pm 25 degrees, standing outside barefoot, short sleeves calling for 1 of 3 dogs that did not come in. give up, turn around, she is inside 11:02pm

Wednesday

• Just started snowing. 12:33am
• Wow. Looks like about 2 inches of snow already. Glad @frankensite left yesterday and not today like he was originally scheduled. 4:23am
• Yum. Lentil soup. Only Tor & I eat soup. Daddy & Jack refuse. Earlier I tossed out some soup I made a week ago. Should have frozen it. 4:27am
• School just called. No school today. 5:22am
• 3.5 inches of snow so far. Had ruler out for Jack's homework so actually measured :). 9:10am
• @frankensite yeah, you know how much I like Springsteen, but now I am intrigued. 3:02pm
• Just bought a Wii & a Wii Fit from Toys R Us. Now Jack can play the Mario Kart he got for his birthday! He really really loves Mario Kart. 3:08pm
• Well, I bought it online. Jack has to wait a few more days :). 3:20pm
• @pat212414 yes. I kept thinking someone would eat it, then I realized too many days had passed. Whoops. 3:21pm
• Just got back from a playdate and fed kids. Salted around the car because it rained & will be all ice in the am when we take Jack to school 7:06pm

Thursday

• @veroniquec I was born in the states too but only taught Greek at home. Did not learn English until Kindergarten. My teachers taught me. 3:53am
• Jack's school has a 2 hour delay due to icey conditions. Obama would not approve :). 5:30am
• @cksthree I don't think it's the cap, I am nowhere close to 2000 following or followers & somehow twitter unfollowed my friend @stephfour 10:06am
• @stephfour aw, thanks <blush> 10:08am
• Boys in bathtub, me and Liv watching them. I am ready to pass out, kids full of energy. 7:47pm
• Sent pics of kids to @frankensite. Jack asked, "Did you also send them to Flickr?" Why yes Jack I did :). 8:28pm

Friday

• Since Wed my job to take jack to school. Difficult to go on time w/all 3. Wed was snow day. Thur was 2 hour delay & I made it today. Yay! 8:59am
• On my way to Tor's school to volunteer for their Chinese New Year celebration. 11:39am
• @doctorparadox toysrus.com had them on tuesday. I ordered it and it comes today! Try them. 1:58pm
• Tor went to school for the first hour & then we came home bc he was so tired. He fell asleep on the ride home & just woke up. >2 hr nap. 3:17pm
• @JasonCalacanis Go easy on him, he isn't used to quality man time :). JK, he is having a great time, thanks for hosting him. 8:15pm
• @Dorie93950 he did great at the birthday party we went to from 5p-7:30p. W/o the nap he would have been out of control :).worked out well. 8:16pm

Saturday

• Liv has been saying mamamamamama or dadadadadada for a while. Today she looked at me and clearly said Mama. Woo hoo. 8:47am
• Jack's first word was Duncan (the dog), Tor's was Dada and Liv's was Mama. Pretty cool. 8:48am
• @cksthree your blog looks great. Love the redesign. 9:35am
• @vagredajr George and Billy, that is exactly what I thought when I saw the news :). hehehe 9:37am
• @cksthree really, I like it wide. no wasted space. 11:41am
• @pat212414 i agree, it has gone fast! 11:42am
• @bekSF funny about dogs name! 11:42am
• @Dorie93950 he did, but he would not fall asleep at his bedtime. took him two hours to fall asleep! 11:43am
• Just left one kids birthday party. On to the next one. 4:21pm
• Created an email address specifically for Jack's school. It is getting heavily spammed. Lovely. 5:05pm

I was raped when I was almost 19 years old. That was 23 years ago and I still cry about it sometimes, like last night. This is not the stuff I usually talk about but hey, it is my blog and I can talk about what I want.

So I was raped by my parents best friends son. The term date rape or acquaintance rape had not been coined or if it had, it wasn't widely talked about. Rapes were committed by strangers, not by people you knew. I was deeply ashamed. I didn't tell anyone except my boyfriend. His reaction was anger, not at the guy, at me. See I had been with him almost a year and had not slept with him and here I went and "slept with" someone else. He was so angry he essentially raped me again. Then he went and put himself in the sink and washed himself off. I felt even more unclean and ashamed. ** I thought no one else would want me and this is what I deserved. The next time I saw him he did it again, also followed by just leaving me on the dorm room floor sobbing and cleaning himself in the sink. ** Luckily I had just enough self respect left that time to break up with him. It was a bad period in my life. I was already self medicating with alcohol, this just kicked it up a few notches.

That summer I went to a travel agent junket. I went with my parents and my Dad and I got very very drunk on scotch. When we got home I refused to get out of the car. I told them I wanted to die. It was pretty horrible. They were worried about me and made me see a psychologist. I told her about the rape and my boyfriends reaction and even though I was over 18, she told my parents that I was no longer a virgin. Needless to say that didn't go over well. She ended up telling my parents that my only problem was I was spoiled. Great. She is now a nationally famous psychologist featured on morning shows and stuff. What an idiot.

Anyway, I met a really great guy who is still one of my very best friends. He and his family helped me a lot. I don't think I would have gotten past all that without him. I have since gotten good therapy and a great husband and family and I am doing well. Every time I read the paper or watch the news and hear of a rape, I still think back and remember. Sometimes I tear up, but for the most part I do ok. Law & Order SVU usually makes me cry but it is therapeutic. I watch it looking for answers and it really does help. It is cathartic :).

Every once in a while though something triggers a panic attack/breakdown. I read a blog post by a former good friend of ours yesterday and something he said about rape really creeped me out. I tried to get it out of my head but after I had gotten the kids to bed and I was lying there thinking about it I lost it. It was pretty bad.

I am ok today for the most part. I haven't been actively crying and sobbing, but tears just kept streaming down my face and I can't seem to stop them. I thought last night that I was feeling sorry for myself. Today I think it is more like feeling sorry for anyone who is raped.

I have never told anyone this but this is one of the reasons I was afraid to have a daughter. I am so afraid FOR her. I never want something like this to happen to her.

So I'll be ok, there is really no choice. I have to take care of the kids until Brian gets back. They'll keep me busy :). Writing this seems to have helped.

**updated to include the second time by my bf. I didn't know how to put it into words when I first posted this.

Sunday

• For 6 years Jack has had gorgeous birthday party days in Jan. Today is the first time it's snowing. Most is down, hope everyone still comes. 11:08am
• I should have said for the past 5 years, since this is the 6th :). 11:08am
• @pat212414 Thunder Ridge 11:09am
• Just had very funny conversation with @frankensite. He said it isn't Twitter appropriate. Too bad. It was REALLY funny. 12:44am
• It was about sleeping with Bono. Hehehe. 12:45am
• Left early for Jack's party so we could drop of doggie balloons for them to blow up before party. Then we were going to lunch. 12:49am
• May not have time for lunch. Good thing for Goldfish. Even I ate some. Also good thing we won't be late for our own party this time. 12:50am
• Dropped off stuff. Now at BK. Yuck. All we had time for though. Gotta be back in 20 min. 1:16pm
• Party over. It was fun. So glad it was not at my house. Kids had a blast. 5:26pm
• @sarahgilbert send me link to chemicals in baby bath, thx 6:54pm
• stopped at Starbucks on way home. day complete! 6:55pm
• @Jim61 the guy at the ski shop told us Windham was a good place for families. Do you think so? 8:20pm

Monday

• Just got back from taking the kids skiing. Only jack ended up going & that was fine w/me. He did well. Tor went to their daycare. I had liv 3:19pm
• Plan was jack in half day, Tor in private since he is three. After lines with jack, wrestling w/boots & skis figured Tor was fine playing. 3:24pm
• This weekend when Daddy goes they can all ski and Liv and I will watch. 3:24pm
• @Jim61 thx 7:04pm

Tuesday

• Just canceled citi bank card. Last year got locked out of account online made me create new account. Locked me out again, need new account 1:08am
• Citibank won't reset passwords. Not creating another account because I am not doing anything wrong. So canceled card. Oh well. Their loss. 1:10am
• Had that account for 24 years. Wow. First credit card I ever had. Oh well. 1:14am
• @Deidre I accidentally cut myself all the time too. freaks out @frankensite :). good thing I am a nurse. Hope you are ok :). 1:19am
• Added summary of Jack's birthday to my blog and uploaded a bunch of photos to Flickr. Good use of the time I should be sleeping :). 3:49am
• @obsessable in HD on NBC 11:19am
• @mheerema because they are both black??? 11:21am
• @mheerema ok. for a few minutes I was horrified esp since I mostly agree with your politics :). hehe. thanks for explaining. 11:31am
• WOW, truly amazing. I am in tears. 12:07am
• TiVoing the inauguration so my boys can see it when they come home. Jack wants to watch it, Tor just loves saying his cool name! 12:22am
• THE speech http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id... 12:25am
• @mikepropst I thought the facebook/cnn thing was pretty cool. I got to see what my friends were saying as they were saying it :). 1:58pm
• Off to the post office to mail something to Delphine for her birthday in a week & to Jo & Joe for their anniversary last October :). Whoops. 4:04pm
• Jo & Joe's anniversary is the same day as my Mom's birthday. Kind of weird. Happy and sad now. 4:04pm
• Wow, President Obama and his wife are walking on Penn. Ave. 4:06pm
• Kitchen faucet is leaking. Called Rohl in SFO & explained situation. They are sending the part overnight all at no cost. Wow. Excellent. 8:20pm
• Years of being a travel agent have me referring to San Francisco as SFO instead of just SF. Ha. Brian just pointed this out to me :). 8:22pm

Thursday

• Jack threw up this am. Poor kid. I hope he feels better because tomorrow is his birthday and he gets to do lots of fun stuff at school. 8:10am
• @veroniquec just bookmarked that site, thanks. 5:56pm
• @pat212414 nice pic 8:11pm

Friday

• @sarahgilbert someone in Jack's class has lice. I hope Jack doesn't get them. I just don't have time for it :). 2:36am
• @Dorie93950 I think he may have just had a rx to dinner. he ate more tomato sauce than he ever has before. but could be mono related. thx. 3:09am
• @stephfour awwwwww 3:24am
• @Dorie93950 brian changed jack's twitter name to JackCaleb :) 11:28am
• OH at jack's party at school. She picked H cause she likes him. NO I DON'T. Teacher - everyone likes everybody. "But she REALLY likes him!" 3:14pm
• Sound more like 6th grade. Hehe 3:14pm
• @cksthree your parrots are like my kids when I try to use the phone! 3:17pm
• @researching it was nice today! The kids played in the snow! 6:28pm
• @cksthree They do throw things and my God do they shriek :). hehehe 6:30pm
• Jack got lots of call for this birthday, he's been so excited :). 6:44pm
• At city limits. New menu item -- keftethes. Taste just like my moms. That and it being jack's bday and I started crying. Oh well. 8:02pm

Saturday

• Thanks for all the birthday wishes for @jackcaleb he was thrilled. He thinks Twitter & FB are so cool. He is not getting a FB account though 11:43am
• @pat212414 thanks. It does happen at odd times. I feel better when you write me like this and tell me it is ok. Thanks. 11:47am
• Going skiing. Well jack is for sure. Ski shop gave us wrong boots for brian so sorting that out now. Hopefully they found his! 11:51am
• Brian skied down the mountain 4 times alone then 2 more times with Jack. All 3 kids passed out in car. 6:12pm

I can't believe Jack is already 6. Amazing. It seems like just yesterday (yesterday 6 years ago) that I was reading a book and my water broke :). We headed to the hospital and after only 13 hours of labor (pretty good for a first baby) Jack was born. Just a few hours later I had a Jack & Coke. Here we are with Jack the day after he was born and here are pics of him on his birthday (or at his birthday parties) over the years. That post only goes up to his 4th birthday. Here is info and pics on his 5th birthday party and his recent 6th birthday party.

Today he is having a party at his school at 2:30 that Brian, Keisha, Liv and I get to attend. Then we are going to his preschool (now Tor's preschool) to see some of his other friends and pass out the cupcakes Keisha bought for them. It is going to be 45 degrees (warm for us) so they'll play on the playground for a while and then tonight we are taking him to his favorite restaurant, City Limits. He wants to get a sundae for dessert :).

What a cool day!

Our friend Craig posted a story on his blog mentioning our mutual friend Judith and her four blogs.  That got me thinking about all the stuff I do. Brian says I am life streaming. I blog on bloggingniki, I upload pics from my iPhone onto Flickr as I take them, I upload video onto YouTube, I tweet on Twitter and I also use Facebook. It is pretty cool. I have fun with it all.

Here we are at Jack's Party this year

And here we are on our way to his party last year

We had Jack's 6th birthday party at the same place we had his 5th birthday party -- Stepping Stones Children's Museum. It was great. There were about 24 kids not including siblings. Wow. It was huge :).

We have been incredibly lucky with scheduling Jack's birthday parties on beautiful January days (meaning not actively snowing during the party). Saturday night, however, it snowed a lot -- maybe about 3.5 inches. When we woke up it was still snowing a little but then it stopped for the rest of the day and the sun came out. Woo Hoo. Everyone was able to make it to Connecticut without a problem.

We had to drop off the party supplies I bought at least half an hour before the party so they had time to set them up and blow up the balloons. Our original plan was to drop them off, go have a nice lunch somewhere and then go to the party. With three kids, plans change a lot. By the time we got up, had breakfast, showered, got them dressed, cleaned off the car and set off, we had just enough time to drop the supplies off, grab BK down the street and come back. The kids and Brian were happy with Burger King, so it was all ok :).

We got back to the party with 20 minutes to spare. That is pretty good for us because we have actually been late to quite a few of OUR OWN birthday parties. While Brian let the boys play, I helped set up for the party. I think the room turned out really well. Last year I was initially disappointed we had the back room for our party instead of the room right in the thick of things. That room doesn't have windows though and this room has a wall of windows. The windows really brightened up the party so I requested the same room this year.

The kids started off coloring a jigsaw puzzle. Once everyone arrived, Jack lead them from room to room in the museum. He really liked being the leader, he got to ring a bell to signal moving to the next room. Tor was second in line and he just loved being so close to Jack. At one point Henry, one of their best friends, wanted to be next to Jack, but so did Tor. So Jack let Tor be the leader, he went second and Henry went third. They both got to be next to Jack. I thought that was very generous of Jack to let his brother lead one time.

The last room was of course the water room. Right before they went in and got soaked, we took a few group pics. Jack and Tor were wearing white dog t-shirts and I rolled up their sleeves. They looked like greasers, all they needed was a pack of cigs rolled in their sleeves to complete the look :).

Once everyone was back in the party room they had pizza, sang happy birthday and ate cake and fruit but not many veggies :). We had one piece of cake left over, a couple slices of pineapple and almost the entire veggie platter. No problem, I brought the veggies home and I threw some in a salad and steamed some of the others. Yum.

Everyone said they had a good time and I know we did. One of the party favors we gave out were dog bone crayons in a dog bone case. They were the hit of the party!

The party officially ended at 4pm, but we stayed until 5 when they closed. Liv did really well at the party. When we put her in her car seat for the ride home she started wailing. We decided to eat at The Brewhouse nearby so I could feed her but she fell asleep on the way there so we just turned around and headed home (with a quick pit stop at Starbucks). By the time we got home I had just enough time to make dinner, feed the kids and get them to bed so they could go skiing early this am.

Jack had a great birthday party!